last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
