His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
