well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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