i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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