I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
