I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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