just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
