You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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