a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
