FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
