In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
