The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
