Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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