she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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