Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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