it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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