I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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