nut hugger
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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