Will you blow on my dice?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
