it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
