Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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