I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
