This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
