My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
