What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
