I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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