so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize