3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
