I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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