She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
