i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
