Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Im part way to drunk.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
