Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
