Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
