My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize