You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
