My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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