is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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