I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize