i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
