My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
