one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Found your dick twin last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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