life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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