I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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