I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
