wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
