20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
