I wish my penis had an off switch
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
