Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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