yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
