we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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