I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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