Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
