You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
