mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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