It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
