Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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