I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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