Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
