i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
