dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
