my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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