Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
