You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
