I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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