I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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